Pardon my absence...

I've proven to be an unloyal blogger... I want to blog daily, at least weekly but it aint gonna happen! This time, though, I do have an excuse for my absence. I got sick. Like crazy sick. I had been feeling fatigued and just run down for a while and right after Thanksgiving it hit me hard. I woke up several times through out the night in terrible pain. My hands were curled in, my back was aching and I could hardly move. I cried out to my hubby and he called my parents to come watch the kids so we could go to the ER. I hate hospitals. I'm thankful for them, but don't want to be in one. I assumed they would tell me I had a nasty virus and send me home and at first it looked like they would do just that... then my blood work came back and my white blood cell count was eerily low. I didn't really care. I felt horrible and even worse I was starting to panic about being away from my nursing (no bottles ever) baby. I wanted to go HOME. Things moved fast from there. My blood pressure dropped and they were talking about admitting me. My mom drove up with the baby and I fed him. I cried as I snuggled him and talked with my mom. She assured me that it would all work out and took him back home. We discussed how to work out his eating schedule and the nurse was confident that he could even stay with me once I got settled into a room.
My blood pressure dropped further and the doctor came in to explain that I would be going to the ICU and there was no children allowed there at all. My mother in law had came to check on me and was there to explain how things would work in the ICU (she's a nurse) and tried to comfort me as I cried. My baby boy was not a tiny baby, he was almost 9 months old when this happened. People kept saying, "At least he's not an infant", or "he'll be fine! Babies eat when they get hungry!" I did not find comfort in those types of statements. I understood that it would all work out and that he would be ok, however, this was my baby. I was sick at the thought of him being hungry, looking for me... not understanding what was happening. I still get teary when I think about it a couple months later. Those next few days in the hospital were exhausting, frustrating and overwhelming.
I saw a slew of doctors, nurses, students. No one seemed to know what was going on. As I type this to you, we still don't know. They believe that I have an autoimmune disease called, lupus. I've started seeing a rheumatologist and we have another appointment coming up and hope to know more. I have begun researching diets and other ways to treat autoimmune disorders because a life of meds and problems from those meds does not appeal to me. It appears that I got some kinda nasty virus or infection that did a number on me and as the dr said, "May just be the perfect storm of having an autoimmune disorder and then getting very sick..."
What I want to tell you about this experience is this, God is good. All the time. For those who know me, you know that being away from my children is not where I want to be. At All. Especially a nursing baby. I also hate to feel like I have no control. I was faced with some of my biggest fears all at once. My husband was forced to go home and wean a baby in a traumatic fashion and try to keep our big kids from feeling the stress that we were enduring. My parents and sisters (and their families) swooped in and took over. My mom stayed with me at the hospital, my dad helped to care for my children, my sisters stepped in as mommy as best they could and for them I am forever grateful. They all assured me that all was well at home and that it would all be ok. I wanted to believe them, but was overwhelmed at being unable to be with my family. I told God that I will stand firm in what I know is true. I know that He loves me, that He loves my little ones. I know that He is in control. I know that nothing that was happening to me was a surprise to Him. I know that He is with me. He gave me moments of peace that can only come from Him, moments of clarity and even some moments of joy and laughter.
This post is getting much longer than I intended! HA! That sweet baby boy that I was so worried about is snuggling with his daddy as I type. He's chunky and happy and now a formula fed baby. I wanted to go back to nursing but due to all the medication that I had been on and was continuing to be on would make that impossible. It was devastating to me at the time, but we are all ok.
I do have some funny stories and I will tell you my favorite in my next post....